I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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