I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
