you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
