Cold hands, warm shart.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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