i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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