Sponge bath it is.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
