her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
