you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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