god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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