When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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