i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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