My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize