I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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