I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
