look no pants
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Bring me that man meat
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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