Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
