she looked like the before picture.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We had sex on a dog bed..
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
