I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
