The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
