Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
