So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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