Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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