i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
