i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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