call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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