Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
