Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
