Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
