i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
