if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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