We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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