ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
