i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
