my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
