dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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