I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
