all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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