Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
