Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
