God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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