VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
