just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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