I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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