Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
