you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
