well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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