if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
