i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
