if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
