i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
