Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
